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July 2005
Losing a loved one to suicide
With the recent reports of the death of both ABC radio presenter Paul Boddington and Crowded House drummer Paul Hester, it’s a poignant reminder that depression does not discriminate and in many cases it can kill. So this month we thought we’d take a look at suicide. Suicide is never a very pleasant subject to discuss. There is still a stigma attached; a remnant of the days when people who chose to end their life were buried in unholy ground and even now some religious people believe that to choose suicide means choosing eternal damnation. Even still, with suicide accounting for 1.7% of all deaths registered in Australia or 2500 deaths per year and with the amount of attempted suicides even greater, suicide and attempted suicide is more common than you might think. When you consider that US experts estimate that for every person who commits suicide 6 more lives are affected, it becomes clear that we’ve got a real problem on our hands.
How people are affected by suicide
It’s normal to feel a range of different emotions when someone you were close to dies, but the way people feel after someone they love suicides is unique. Sometimes the people left behind are confused about the way they feel and think what they’re feeling is wrong. They may feel sad or angry that the person who died didn’t fight harder. Feelings of abandonment and being left behind are also common, especially by children who lose a parent to suicide. Some people feel ashamed that the person has committed suicide and fear that it may reflect on them in some way. Often the friends and family members of a person who commits suicide begin to torment themselves by remembering the time leading up to the suicide, searching for clues they missed and opportunities they didn’t take that could have prevented the death. If the person had struggled with a mental disorder or other illness for a long time before they ended their life, those who witnessed the daily struggle might feel relieved that the person’s suffering has ended and that they don’t have to watch them go through the pain anymore- but of course with this feeling of relief may also come a feeling of guilt and shame. Experts in the field also observe that when someone suicides, the people left behind are more susceptible to depression and suicide themselves. This is called “the contagion factor”.
Who is at risk
Australian statistics show that although more women than men attempt to commit suicide, more men than women succeed, due to the more violent methods men choose.
Contrary to popular belief, people who choose to commit suicide often make that choice with the well being of their loved ones in mind. Their state of mind is so unbalanced that they convince themselves the people they love would be better off if they were no longer around. Suicide is usually the result of a long battle with a mental illness such as depression, bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, not an immediate response to a major disaster or incident. The disorder wears away the person’s ability to feel hope and eventually they see suicide as their only choice; the answer to end their struggle and the problems they’ve been inflicting on their family and friends.
Lifters and Leaners
It is often the case that people who consider suicide are comfortable helping other people but aren’t as comfortable asking for help. We are each of us only human and all of us will experience many situations that are too difficult to cope with alone. Although we are often told it is better to give than to receive, we would do well to remember that allowing other people to help us is also a form of giving. When we ask another person for help we are effectively saying to them, “I trust you” and, “I value your insight”. Who wouldn’t appreciate such a heartfelt and special gift?
So if you’re feeling depressed and considering suicide, ask for help. Tell someone close to you about what you’re going through and see a professional counsellor. If someone you know has spoken to you about feeling depressed or suicidal, or even if you only suspect that they’re feeling that way, talk to them. You probably won’t be able to solve their problem but you can help them make an appointment to see a counsellor and at the very least they won’t feel so alone.
Some interesting links
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Until next time then…
We thought we’d include part of a short poem by Bryant S Hinckley in place of a quote this month. You can view the full poem via the link below.
” Those who lift and those who lean, How much better it is to give than to receive. Service in any form is comely and beautiful. To give encouragement, to impart sympathy, to show interest, to banish fear, to build self confidence and awaken hope in the hearts of others, in short – to love them and to show it – is to render the most precious service.” - Bryant S Hinckley