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September 2006
Welcome to the September 2006 edition of Clayfield Counselling Services e-newsletter. Many of our newsletters focus on how to have better relationships with other people. This month we’ve decided to look at how you can have a better relationship with YOU.
Self Love
We’ve mentioned before the importance of self esteem and self confidence. It is true that the more self esteem and self confidence you have, the better your relationships with other people can be but what about the relationship you have with yourself?
Think about how you behave in a committed relationship when you’re in love. You probably take time to think of nice things to do for your loved one. You’ll be kind and considerate and you’ll be respectful of their feelings, thoughts and desires. Now stop for a minute and think about the kind of relationship you have with yourself. Do you behave like a person in love or is the relationship you have with yourself disrespectful, neglectful and going nowhere? If your partner treated you the way you treat yourself would you be willing to commit to them or would you be filing for a restraining order?
Your needs first
If you’ve ever caught a plane you will be familiar with the safety directions you are asked to observe before the plane takes off. You are shown where the nearest exits are and what to do if there’s an emergency. One of the things that you are always asked to observe is what to do if those little masks drop down from above your head. The directions specifically remind you that if you are responsible for a child, you should put on your mask first- before you attend to your child. In other words, the best way to take care of your loved ones is to ensure that your needs are taken care of before you attempt to take care of anyone else. This rule isn’t only true on planes!
Many of us live our lives nurturing and caring for others. Women especially have a tendency to show their love by putting their own needs last and always being there emotionally and physically for everyone else. Men are a little bit different in that they tend to show their love by working- often so much so that there’s not much left of them emotionally to give to their loved ones when they’re not working. Whichever your style; male, female or somewhere in-between, if you’re feeling put upon and as if there isn’t enough time for you, then you will likely benefit from a bit more self care and nurturing. And, remembering those masks on the plane again, if you begin nurturing your relationship with yourself, you will be in a better position to have a great relationship with others.
Be your own true love
So how do you begin to nurture a love affair with yourself?
- Pay attention to how you’re feeling and honour what you feel. Accept what you feel and don’t try to deny it or feel that you shouldn’t feel a certain way. Acknowledging, owning and respecting your feelings unashamedly is the first step to loving the real you.
- Tell the truth and say what you mean. How can you expect other people to be able to have a real relationship with you if you’re not telling them the truth about who you really are? Don’t say “Yes” if you mean “No”. Don’t agree if you disagree. Don’t give if you resent giving. Saying what you mean can be scary and it’s likely that you will experience rejection from some people, but it’s also likely that you will begin to have relationships with people who respect and appreciate you just as you are; why would you want to spend time with anyone who doesn’t?
- Don’t accept responsibility for people you’re not responsible for (HINT- if they are an adult and capable of caring for themselves then you are not responsible for them). Allow your loved ones to make their own decisions- and their own mistakes. Listen by all means and offer your opinion when asked but don’t allow anyone to blame you for their choices and don’t ever feel you are responsible for another’s happiness, anger, addiction, emotional needs or other behaviour. On the flipside, make sure that you take responsibility for yourself. Don’t allow anyone to make decisions for you, always acknowledge your mistakes and treat others with the respect you’d expect them to give to you.
- Allow yourself time just for you. Don’t give the people in your life all your spare time doing things they love to do if you find yourself resenting it. You won’t ever be given a medal for martyrdom. Enjoy your life and make time to do the things you love to do. Indulge yourself and spend quality time on you.
- Eat well and exercise. Just as part of nurturing a child involves ensuring they eat well and exercise, part of nurturing yourself involves the same. It’s easy to get caught up nurturing everyone else and run out of time to nurture yourself and your body. Look at food and exercise as being an investment in yourself and if you find you haven’t got time to eat properly or to exercise regularly then take a hard look at the time you give to others and make a few changes. You can’t look after others if you can’t even take care of yourself.
- Rest. Everyone needs some quiet time to replenish and restore their energy levels, their emotional levels and their body. Adequate rest is one of the most important and effective ways to care for yourself and it is something people most commonly deny themselves. Adequate sleep and rest is not a luxury, it’s an essential and if you’re finding you’re always tired or if you’re relying on energy drinks or caffeine to give you a boost throughout the day, then it’s time to look at your schedule and factor in some more rest time. You’ll function better, think more clearly, have healthier relationships with others and have a healthier body and mind if you take the time you need to rest each day.
If you think you may benefit from more self nurturing, why not come along to Nella’s Playshop? Phone us on (07) 3862 6622 for further details or to reserve your place.
Some interesting links
Office hours are from 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday. After hours and Saturday appointments are available on request.
Until next time then…
“The man (or woman) who trims himself (or herself) to suit everybody will soon whittle himself (or herself) away.”
- Charles Schwab