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Newsletter Archive

October 2006

Grief and loss

Welcome to the October 2006 edition of Clayfield Counselling Services e-newsletter. With this month being breast cancer awareness month we thought that a closer look at grief and loss would be appropriate. Unresolved grief is an extremely common issue in the lives of the clients we see. When we think about grief and loss, the death of a loved one tends to spring to mind but there are many other common occurrences which can trigger feelings of grief and if the grief is not acknowledged and dealt with, it will continue to cause problems for that person in the future.

Sometimes grief can be so deeply buried it is very difficult to recognise that it’s there and a person may identify a more superficial issue as the cause of their problems.

What triggers grief and loss?

When an event triggers change and transition in a person’s life, even if it was a choice the individual made, feelings of grief and loss are often present. Every person is different but many people experience feelings of grief when they encounter the following;

  • Death of a loved one (including an animal).
  • Being diagnosed with a chronic or terminal illness.
  • A loved one being diagnosed with a chronic or terminal illness.
  • Going through a divorce or break up.
  • Watching parents or loved ones go through a divorce.
  • Losing a job.
  • Retiring.
  • Selling a home or relocating.
  • Losing a home, garden or property to fire or some other form of destruction or vandalism.
  • Having a loved one move away.
  • Being rejected or betrayed.
  • The end of a friendship.
  • Experiencing some other form of change or loss.

Grief hurts

We live in a society which seems to believe that pain is something to be avoided. A common reaction to feelings of grief is to ignore them and hope they’ll go away on their own. This is particularly true of men, especially if they were taught that real men should be strong and that crying, being sad or showing emotion is a weakness. Women are usually a little better at showing their emotion but if their grief is overwhelming and they believe they don’t have time to truly experience what they’re feeling because they have other people counting on them to be strong, they are likely to push their feelings away and never get around to fully facing them.

It is also common for the people around the grieving person to either be uncomfortable witnessing the expressions of grief or sympathetic for a time but then expecting the grieving person to “get over it”. Grief isn’t something that follows a time schedule. Each individual will experience grief differently and some will take more time than others to deal with it fully.

Dealing with Grief and moving forward

So what’s the best way to handle grief? Think of your grief as a journey. It will have a beginning, middle and an end as well as memories, both positive and negative, which you will probably never forget (though they may fade with time). There are no shortcuts, no way to get to the end any faster. All you can do is keep moving forward through your grieving. Don’t just be passive and wait for it to pass.

Having a person to accompany you through part of the journey is a good idea. Making an appointment to see a counsellor is likely to be more beneficial than just confiding in a friend or family member because the grieving process can be very complex and lay people often have a difficult time giving support throughout the entire process.

Give yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling. Anger, sadness, fear and hopelessness are just some of the feelings that people experience when they’re grieving. Remember that it’s not wrong to feel any of these feelings, but make sure you don’t take them out on other people. See a counsellor if you feel out of control of your emotions.

Give yourself permission to show your feelings. You may feel pressure from the people around you to tell them you’re fine. This makes life easier for them and much less uncomfortable because they are not asked to witness your grief, but this is likely to cause great emotional and psychological harm to you. Grief is a perfectly normal part of life. Don’t pretend you’re not grieving if you are for the sake of not inconveniencing the people around you.

Allow yourself to remember. Many people think the best way to stop grieving for someone is to forget them but this only ends in denial. Cherish all the positive memories associated with that person but try not to dwell on the negative ones, such as if you witnessed that person’s traumatic death. EMDR can be helpful if you have traumatic memories which you would like to be able to process. Why not phone us to make an appointment?

For those of you who think you may benefit from more self nurturing, why not come along to Nella’s Playshop? Phone us on (07) 3862 6622 for further details or to reserve your place.

Some interesting links

Office hours are from 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday. After hours and Saturday appointments are available on request.

Until next time then…

“The only cure for grief is action.”
- George Henry Lewes