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Newsletter Archive

March 2007

Welcome to the March edition of Clayfield Counselling Services e-newsletter.  For many people conflict is something to be avoided at all costs, even to the point of remaining in situations that are unpleasant, distressing and sometimes, dangerous.  For others, life is a battle and tactical warfare is the name of the game.  Conflict is the only way they know to engage with others and they leave a trail of wounded people in their wake.

Sure; life isn’t all hearts and flowers and we don’t always agree.  But does this mean that conquer or be conquered is the only option open to us?  Let’s take a closer look at what’s really behind conflict.

What is Conflict?

Have you ever heard the term “Fight or Flight”?  Some theorists suggest that the fight or flight instinct is one which was necessary for our survival.  The idea is that when we feel fear or if we feel threatened, we choose to either stay and fight, or run away.  Conflict happens because we feel threatened in some way and so we fight.  This immediately places us and the person we are conflicting with in the position of adversaries. Often though, it is possible for both parties to get what they want- they just need to be honest about what that truly is.

Let’s look at a common scenario.

Lisa and Fred are in conflict because Fred wants to go out drinking with his mates and Lisa doesn’t want him to go.

First let’s look at Fred’s side of the story.

What Fred wants…

  • to go out drinking with his mates.

Why Fred wants it…

  • Because he wants to let his hair down and relax.
  • Because he works hard during the week and doesn’t get to see his friends very often
  • Because he doesn’t get to go out very often and when he does it’s always with Lisa.  He loves Lisa but he misses just having to worry about himself sometimes.

When Lisa tries to stop Fred going out, he feels threatened because…

  • He feels emasculated
  • He feels Lisa is trying to control him and that he is losing his independence
  • He fears having nothing in his life that’s just for him

What Lisa wants…

  • for Fred to not go out drinking with his mates.

Why Lisa wants it…

  • Because Fred works hard and she doesn’t get to spend much quality time with him.
  • Because she misses him.
  • Because she secretly worries that he isn’t spending any quality time with her because he is bored with her and wants to go back to being single and looking at other women in the pub.

Lisa feels threatened by Fred going out because…

  • she fears he doesn’t want to be with her anymore
  • she thinks if he doesn’t want to be with her he might be going out to find another woman
  • she feels unattractive

If Fred and Lisa were honest with each other and listened to what the other was saying carefully, they could easily reach a compromise which would satisfy both of them.  Perhaps Lisa would be more willing to agree to Fred’s night out with the boys if Fred reassures her that he still finds her as attractive as ever and makes the effort to take Lisa out on a romantic date next weekend.

Now it’s your turn.  Think of a conflict you’ve had recently and then work out what you really wanted and why.  Try putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and think about what their true motives were.  How could you have both got what you wanted?  If you have an unresolved conflict perhaps you could approach the other person and speak to them honestly and respectfully.  This takes practice.  Don’t lose heart if it you don’t succeed the first time.

What to do if it gets nasty

In a perfect world we’d all be able to sort out our conflicts as simply as Fred and Lisa.  Things don’t always go according to plan though so here are some Do’s and Don’ts to help you manage your conflict better.

DO retreat and regroup- if someone is feeling angry or hurt, it’s time to call a truce.  Take a break with the understanding that you will both begin negotiations again when you’ve had a chance to cool down.

DON’T throw your hands up in the air, say “Whatever” and refuse to continue to communicate, effectively shutting down negotiation altogether.  This particular tactic is often a favourite of men- and it tends to drive women crazy!

DO pay attention to the other person’s signals.  If you sense they are feeling overwhelmed, suggest a break or allow them time to think about what they want to communicate.

DON’T keep hammering away at the person you’re negotiating with.  This is one women are often guilty of and it is usually enough to make a man either run for the hills or, if he can’t escape, dig in his heels, become selectively deaf and lose his ability to talk!

DO keep your objective in mind.  Remember you are not trying to “win” and the person you are communicating with is not your adversary.  Remember that the person you are negotiating with deserves your respect.

DON’T attempt to attack, fight, intimidate, control or subdue the person you are communicating with.  Remember, you can only control you and your actions.

DO explain that you will not allow the person you are communicating with to attack or control you, but you will re-enter negotiation with them when they are willing to be respectful.  If you feel you are unable to make further progress towards a resolution, seek help from a professional counsellor or mediator.   Having a third party present who won’t take sides but will ensure that both of you are treated fairly often helps to facilitate a less volatile discussion.

A note on dangerous situations

Don’t even attempt to enter into negotiations with someone who is violent.  If you are able to safely remove yourself from the situation do so.  Seek assistance from a counsellor; if you can’t physically come in to see someone you can always phone us.

Counselling and Mediation services

We have some wonderful counsellors and mediators here at Clayfield Counselling Services.  If you or someone you know is having trouble resolving a conflict, why not give us a call?  We’re bound to have the right counsellor to suit your needs.

Some Interesting Links

Office hours are from 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday. After hours and Saturday appointments are available on request.

Until next time then…

“All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest–never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principle of equal partnership.”
- Ann Landers