Clayfield Counselling Services

Newsletter Archive

April 2009

Intimacy and Sex? Are they the same or different?

Today, the word intimacy has taken on sexual connotations. But it is much more than that. It includes all the different dimensions of our lives — yes, the physical, but also the social, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects as well. Intimacy really means total life sharing and haven’t we all had the desire at one time or another for closeness, for oneness, for sharing our life with someone totally?

Most relationships start in the “honeymoon stage”, life is good and there is often more communication between partners, then as time goes by other life worries intrude, for instance job stress or starting a family. Some couples when they get to this point sometimes start living separate lives and talk less and less about feelings and more and more about work or the children.

The Relationship “Test”

Although love and physical attraction is very much part of a relationship, there are other factors which are important in making a relationship work.

Here are a few; we suggest that both partners write a list using these or others that you feel are important to your relationship, listing them in most important to least important.

• Communication: openness within the relationship, sharing points of view
• Trust and honesty: Is trust and honesty important to you in making a relationship work.
• Intimacy: social, emotional and spiritual connection
• Sexual connection: pleasing each other and knowing what makes the other person feel fulfilled.
• Understanding; been on the same wavelength, understanding each other likes and dislikes and their needs.

After looking at your list what is it that you see, what needs are not been met and what has this exercise illustrated.

For many, one the main areas of a relationship that tends to suffer the most is reaching “sexual fulfilment”. All too often life has a habit of getting in the way. It is a common complaint for women who have been in a relationship for years to complain that their “partner” is still lacking in bed. Instead of being negative and critical, there needs to be an open channel of communication and feedback between partners, there are ways of “spicing up” your sex life and these can be something you both enjoy.

What can be done?

• Don’t be afraid to try new things and be open and honest with your partner about your sexual needs. If the other person doesn’t know, how can one work on the relationship successfully. It may reveal some interesting news that hadn’t occurred to you or your partner.
• It is naive to think that any relationship can be built to last if both partners don’t continue to layer the building blocks. If you want your relationship to develop and not deteriorate it is important to invest the time in it. Children and high stress jobs have a habit of interfering with “quality time” which is why it is important to have one night of the week where you have a baby sitter and put aside your work stressors. Although it sounds corny the idea of a “date night” is one way of keeping the relationship fresh. Dedicate the night, so there is no talk of work or children or anything that is stressful and time consuming; just enjoy the “moment”. Have a quiet dinner, it doesn’t need to be expensive, fish and chips on the beach as the sun is setting is just as romantic as a candlelit dinner is a restaurant. This will enable both of you to talk about where you feel the relationship is heading.

References

Lacey, R (2004) “Sex in Mind: A woman’s guide to sexual discovery”, New Holland Publishers, London, p 91.

Jansen, D, Newman, M (1998) “Really Relating: How to build an enduring relationship” Sydney, Random House Publishing, p 161

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Until next time then…

“For a marriage relationship to flourish there must be intimacy. It takes an enormous amount of courage to say to your spouse, “This is me. I’m not proud of it — in fact, I’m a little embarrassed by it — but this is who I am.” – Bill Hybels