eNEWSLETTER
August 2003
Our Mission Statement:
"Providing a range of innovative professional services, empowering our clients to positively address issues affecting their lives."
Welcome to Clayfield Counselling Services August eNewsletter!
Over Parenting & Resilience
Early July, Dr John Irvine, wrote an article on “over parenting”. When sorting through what to discuss this month, we re-read this article. It captured our attention for several reasons, we felt that almost all of us have some experience at either being a parent or being parented. The article articulated the lack of resilience in today's children and the new generation. Therefore, we decided to research a little further to help discover why things have changed so drastically?
One website proclaimed that perhaps children nowadays are not as resilient. Why? Children are constantly warned and forbidden from almost all people and institutions of authority. "A 12 year old bombarded with warnings about strangers, priests, friends of the family and fathers, may begin to wonder why the burden of avoiding abuse has to fall so heavily on their shoulders, or, wonder why grown ups can’t control themselves?” So to navigate these dangers as safely as possible both the parents and children need to be skeptical and open minded. Children are vulnerable, and rely on their parents to protect them, if children are resilient and their parents are vigilant, childhood should be navigated without too many major problems www.unorg.com/social.html.
What is resilience?
Resilience is the capacity to deal successfully with obstacles that confront us while maintaining a true path towards life's goals. In the past, resilience has typically been confined to children who have experienced major adversity in their lives. However, the concept of resilience can and should be applied to all children. All children face different challenges in life, children who have developed a "resilient mindset" will handle these challenges with greater effectiveness and success www.raisingresilientkids.com/resources/articles/futurists.html.
How can parents achieve this?
Research suggests that children from less prosperous families are more resilient, because, the children have less supervision and more time to spend with neighbours, peer groups and children of different cultures. Investigation implied that, children from families with a steady income are less resilient. Due to the fact that these parents have more control over their child's life. Through choosing their school, supervising their activities and reflecting their own anxieties about the availability of opportunity for their children, as they grow older.
What is available to parents?
Parents cannot remove all structures in their children's lives; otherwise, it would result in too steep a learning curve. Yet, parents cannot expect to create an environment of strict boundaries and rules. Why? It is a poor learning environment that actively discourages children to think on their own. Each child is different with different needs and behaviours. Nowadays, children are much more aware of the context in which their childhood has been altered. Perhaps, children may feel over burdened by these changes, as there is no element of trust and no scope for respect.
"Tough Love: Over protective parenting may harm children in the long run" was the title of Dr John Irvine's article. He mentioned how today's children are less able to handle a setback or solve their own problems. He spoke about an email that suggests children of the 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s shouldn't have survived. Why? "Back in the good old days" there were; no child locks on medicines and lighters, children shared drinks with many friends, ran bare foot down the beach, sun-baked with no suncream only coconut oil, the list is endless. Also children of these eras were more active. Friends were outside. Games were not played on the Playstation and days were not spent surfing the Internet. Children of the 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s had accidents that were their own fault. Their actions had repercussions.
In his article Dr Irvine suggested parents wanting to raise resilient children should check their performance on the following questions:
- Do you help your children solve their own problems or do you step in and solve them for them
- Do you take your child’s side in any dispute with a playmate or teacher or do you adopt and evenhanded approach?
- Do you let your child learn that “no means no” or do you give in to avoid distress or tantrums
- Do you let your child learn from mistakes or do you try to prevent any pain?
He also suggests that the p roblem lies in that, parents, are so busy protecting their children from harm, they are denying them any belief in their own capacity to cope.
Some interesting websites
- http://www.extension.umn.edu/distribution/familydevelopment/components/7565_06.html
- http://www.unorg.com.social.html
- www.raisingresilientkids.com/resources/artoc;es/futurists.html
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Until next time then...
“Children might or might not be a blessing, but to create them and fail them was surely damnation” - Lois McMaster Bujold ("Barrayar" 1991)
The editorial team at Clayfield Counselling Services