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eNEWSLETTER
November 2003

Our Mission Statement:
"Providing a range of innovative professional services, empowering our clients to positively address issues affecting their lives."

Welcome to Clayfield Counselling Services November eNewsletter!

Learning how to parent

Last month we looked at the difficulty many families face trying to juggle work and home life. We emphasized the importance of finding a balance between work and family commitments in order to achieve a harmonious and fulfilling lifestyle. We also touched upon the added pressures on the family when both parents are in the workforce and the apparent decline of the traditional family roles of male - breadwinner and female - nurturer. This month we decided to take a closer look at the disruption of these roles within the family unit and ask the questions: who is raising the children and who is teaching parents how to parent?  

Do you need a village to raise a child?

We often hear that famous African proverb "It takes a village to raise a child." when discussing the challenges of parenting. It reflects the notion that many people i.e. parents, siblings, extended families and the community influence children's lives. But, it also has significant meaning for new parents and highlights the support they need to perform this very demanding role. There is an expectation that first time parents just naturally know what to do. This is rarely the case with most parents learning by trial and error. In a recent Brisbane News article Dr John Irvine wrote, "Parenting is not meant to be all left to the mother and father. Every new parent - single or coupled - is "at risk" without tribal support". Parenting is a 24 hour; 7 day a week job and for new parents this can be a major adjustment in their lives. Struggling to care for an infant whose only response in the first few weeks seems to be constant crying or sleeping can be very disheartening, often leaving parents exhausted and vulnerable to a wide range of emotions, worries and doubt. Having a support network helps new parents overcome their fears and feelings of insecurity and gives them the confidence they need to embrace the many challenges ahead.

Who is teaching Parents how to parent?

It is reasonable to assume that the way we parent is heavily influenced by how we were brought up as children. For many of us it was the "traditional" model of family life, i.e. father in the workforce and mother at home raising the children. However for some people these traditional role models may not be the ideal scenario for raising a happy family. The father is absent from the family unit most of the time and the mother forgoes much of her independence to stay at home. There is a major push these days for fathers to adopt a greater presence in their children's lives. Additionally many mothers are now in the work force and pursuing personal goals when their children are still quite young. Today, more than ever, parents are relying on alternative carers for their children. Traditional roles are blending and in the case of stay-at-home dads, reversing. There is no right or wrong model, for families to adhere to. It is up to each family unit to find what works best for them. Regardless of what role each parent takes within the family unit, the most important thing to realize, is that having more individual freedom does not reduce the responsibility of being a parent. Like our own parents, we are constantly teaching our children by our example, whether we're conscious of it or not.

What makes a happy family?

It is easy to become disillusioned with the choices we've made for our family life when we are consistently exposed to media images of how a "happy family" should look and behave. The notion of mothers maintaining a spotless house, cooking meals and caring for the children, never becoming impatient or angry whilst fathers are in high income jobs, perhaps working long hours but never feeling tired or stressed is simply unrealistic. Trying to imitate this scenario can lead to feelings of inadequacy and guilt because we are unable to live up to these impossible standards. As mention earlier, what we need to remember is that it's not the structure of the family unit that provides the foundation for happiness, but the individuals within that unit and their actions and reactions. Ingredients for making happy families include loving communication between family members and quality time spent as a group and one-to-one to strengthen family bonds. These ideals hold true for all types of families whether they be seen as traditional, modern, single parent, separated, same sex parents, or blended family structures.

Being a parent is not a short-term investment; it's a lifetime commitment. Raising a child is an enormous responsibility and it is important to remember that no matter how hard we try we will never be perfect at the task. As new parents we need to accept that we will make mistakes and forgive ourselves, rather than dwell on the negative feelings that threaten to overwhelm us. Seeking out support from family and the community is the key to navigating the role of new parenthood and in return we become part of the support group for new parents that come after us. It is by sharing our experiences with others that we help to build the community support network for all families. Pride, joy, love and laughter are feelings that want to be shared and as parents we have the opportunity to express these feelings everyday.

Interesting Websites

It takes a village

Help for parents

Happy families

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Until next time then...
"Life affords no greater responsibility, no greater privilege, than the raising of the next generation." - C. Everett Koop

The editorial team at Clayfield Counselling Services

 

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