eNEWSLETTER
July 2004
Our Mission Statement:
"Providing a range of innovative professional services, empowering our clients to positively address issues affecting their lives."
Welcome to Clayfield Counselling Services July eNewsletter!
Passive Aggression
Last month we discussed communication in relationships. This month we thought we'd talk about passive aggression and emotional abuse, a common and very destructive element in many relationships. Unfortunately, due to it's insidious and covert nature, many victims of passive aggression know that there is something wrong in their relationship but can't quite pinpoint what it is, or they begin to think that they are the problem.
So what is passive aggression?
A person who displays passive aggressive tendencies often appears to the outside world and sometimes, even to their partner, as a friendly and benevolent person. He or she will hide their aggression behind a smile or a "kind" gesture. They will always have an excuse for their abusive behaviour and are masters at blaming their partner. Passive aggression is ultimately about gaining control in a relationship. A person who uses passive aggression in their relationship manages to get their own way while avoiding direct confrontation- thus retaining control while still appearing to be "the nice one".
Some examples of passive aggression are:
Procrastination- tasks that never seem to get done in spite of numerous requests from a partner to complete them. The "thoughtful" gesture that punishes you- he washes your expensive angora knit without being asked then "accidentally" shrinks it in the drier.The insult wrapped in a smile- Think Ray's mum from "Everybody Loves Raymond" when she says about Debra's cupcakes, "How lovely frosting from a can, so much easier than homemade".The gift that suggests the receiver is inadequate- An exclusive gym membership and a big tin of "Slimfast" when the receiver has never expressed a concern about their weight. Withholding love and declining to communicate- then blaming the partner for being needy when she asks him to share his feelings more.
Why is passive aggression and emotional abuse so destructive?
An emotionally abusive person gains control in their relationship by eroding their partner's self-esteem and self-confidence both privately and in public, all the while hiding behind the "I'm such a nice person, I'm just trying to be supportive ". The abused partner begins to believe it when the abusive partner says all the problems in the relationship are her fault. After all
it's not his fault that she's so demanding and needy.
How can we break the pattern?
Emotional abuse is a learned behaviour and so it can be unlearned. The passive aggressive partner is a master at making excuses for his bad behaviour and will go to great lengths to blame the responsibility for his actions on extenuating circumstances or you.
If you think you or your partner may be using emotional abuse in your relationship seek help. If you are the abusive partner and would like your relationship to be healthier, try speaking to one of our counsellors about anger management techniques. Alternatively, if you are the abused one, our counsellors can help you with strategies to improve your self-esteem and self-confidence.
Some Interesting Websites:
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Office hours are from 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday. After hours and Saturday appointments are available on request.
Until next time then...
"Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives." - William James (1842-1910)
The editorial team at Clayfield Counselling Services