eNEWSLETTER
March 2005
Our Mission Statement:
"Providing a range of innovative professional services, empowering our clients to positively address issues affecting their lives."
Welcome to the March edition of the CCS eNewsletter.
In the February newsletter we discussed the validity of the choice to be single and for this month we thought we’d explore the topic of friendship further; what it is, what makes it good and how much is too much.
Friendship has many different faces
Different types of friends fulfil different needs in our life. There’s the It’s-safe-to-tell-anything friend, the I’ve-known-you-forever-friend and then there’s the Friday-night-out friend and even the We-may-not-speak-for-years-but-that-will-never-change-our-special-connection friend. Of course just as each person is unique so is each friendship and there is no way to neatly identify the healthy friendship from the unhealthy one. However there are a few warning signs that may signal it’s time to take a good hard look at your relationships.
Friend or Foe?
A good way to gauge whether a friend is doing you more harm than good is to pay close attention to how you feel both when you’re around them and when you’re not.
- When you’re with your friend do you feel safe, accepted, joyful and equal or do you feel ill at ease, angry, miserable or inferior?
- When you spend time with your friend do you find yourself feeling relieved or emotionally drained when they leave?
- Do you feel you can trust your friend or are you guarded about what you confide to them?
Lots of Work Little Reward
Friendship, like any relationship, requires two people but it isn’t uncommon to see one person putting in all the effort and the other reaping all the rewards.
- When you and your friend communicate do you feel resentful because you feel you’re the one doing all the work? Do you do all the listening while they do all the talking?
- Do you find yourself wondering what would happen if you stopped phoning your friend and making an effort to keep in touch? Do you think there’s a chance you might never hear from them again?
- Would your life be affected in a positive or negative way if you never heard from your friend again?
When is a Friend more than a Friend?
It isn’t only when friends don’t make an effort that can be toxic. When you’re in a romantic relationship, a friend that doesn’t know where the boundaries are can be just as problematic. Some people feel insecure and jealous without any provocation by their partner. Often these people have been the victim of infidelity in the past or have even been the unfaithful partner. However, your friendships should never give your partner a legitimate reason to feel insecure.
“A purely platonic friendship developed with someone outside the marriage can very definitely cause problems inside the marriage if that friendship becomes more intense and intimate than the marriage relationship. In an important sense, any outside relationship that drains one spouse's ability to attend emotionally, sexually and/or intimately with/to his or her spouse is a potentially damaging affair. In this sense, online-chatting and cybersex can be real affairs capable of damaging marriages.” - www.lifewatch-eap.com
Part of the responsibility of being part of a romantic relationship is being aware of and taking into account your partner’s feelings and sometimes this means putting your partner’s needs before your own.
If you find yourself deceiving your partner when speaking about your friends, chances are something isn’t right and you know it. Perhaps it’s time to rethink your priorities?
Some interesting links
- http://www.ebwn.net/vol_02_num_01/ucla.htm
- http://www.cyberparent.com/friendship/toxic-friends-friendship.htm
- http://www.swedish.org/17425.cfm
Office hours are from 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday. After hours and Saturday appointments are available on request.
Until next time then...
"Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus