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eNEWSLETTER
April 2005

Our Mission Statement:
"Providing a range of innovative professional services, empowering our clients to positively address issues affecting their lives."

Welcome to the April edition of the CCS eNewsletter.

The issues surrounding bullying in schools have recently been highlighted in the media and many schools now have a zero tolerance policy in place to help combat bullying in all its forms.  Bullying isn’t new though and the reality is that many adults who were bullied as children are still affected by their childhood experience.  Until recently, bullying was put down to a normal part of growing up; “just kids being kids” or “establishing the pecking order” and it was said of children who were bullied that “they needed to toughen up” and that “they were weak”.  It is partly due to this reason that there hasn’t been a great deal of research conducted regarding the long term effects of bullying.  However, what research has been done has revealed an interesting correlation between childhood bullying and various emotional, physical and social problems in adulthood.

What is bullying?

“Bullying involves a desire to hurt + hurtful action + a power imbalance + (typically) repetition + an unjust use of power + evident enjoyment by the aggressor and a sense of being oppressed on the part of the victim.”
http://www.education.unisa.edu.au/bullying/define.html

Bullying doesn’t just happen in schools amongst kids. It can happen at home, in the workplace and on the sports field. Bullying can potentially affect any relationship where there is an unequal balance of power including relationships between...

A target of bullying is not necessarily the obvious underdog either for example; children have been known to bully teachers and so on.

Why do they do it and why me?

According to the experts bullies are cowards that secretly feel inadequate in some way. In order to feel better about themselves they hit out at people who are vulnerable because they know they won’t fight back. The targets of bullies are usually kind (peaceful), intelligent (prefer to solve conflict through dialogue and avoid violence) people that stand out from the crowd. They are often talented (which makes the bully jealous) and capable (which the incompetent bully abhors). It is the bully that is dysfunctional and emotionally weak not the target.

How bullying affects adults

The trauma associated with bullying doesn’t just stop when the bullying ends. Here at Clayfield Counselling Services we often see adults who were bullied as children and are still deeply affected by the trauma of their childhood experience. More often than not their self esteem and self confidence is very poor. This can translate into anger (they hit out and bully everyone else before anyone can bully them) or anxiety (they spend their lives fearful and expecting to be hurt when interacting with other people). Many people who were bullied as children have a tendency in their adulthood to unconsciously sabotage their relationships. In effect they ruin the relationship by bullying or being controlling before the other person has a chance to hurt them which, of course, means they rarely have healthy, meaningful relationships.

If children who are bullied don’t grow into adult bullies themselves then it is common to see them become self destructive. They grow up believing the things they were bullied about and they carry around an internal dialogue which constantly reminds them that they are ugly, stupid or whatever else the bully has told them. Unfortunately the reality is that the way we think and feel about ourselves affects the way others feel about us. If we feel attractive and happy other people will usually see us as attractive and happy and of course, the opposite is true too. Many adults who were bullied as children suffer from depression and may even show signs of post traumatic stress disorder (PSTD).

Being aware of and dealing with the effects

If you were bullied when you were a child and are still feeling the effects of your experience now remember it’s never too late to take back your life and make some changes. Pay attention to what your inner voice is telling you and if you don’t like what its saying, rewrite the script. Don’t allow a bully to define you; the one person in this world you are capable of controlling is yourself so go ahead and embrace the real you! If you feel joyful and peaceful within yourself, chances are the people around you will be attracted to your joy too.

Some interesting links

Office hours are from 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday. After hours and Saturday appointments are available on request.

Until next time then...
"Being bullied by a serial bully is equivalent to being stalked or being battered by a partner or being abused as a child and should be accorded the same gravity." - Tim Field

 

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