eNEWSLETTER
May 2005
Our Mission Statement:
"Providing a range of innovative professional services, empowering our clients to positively address issues affecting their lives."
Welcome to the May edition of the CCS eNewsletter.
Most of you will already be aware that Australian divorce statistics are now amongst the highest in the world with more than one in three marriages ending in divorce. The statistics for second marriages are even bleaker. Gone are the days when unhappy couples stayed together for the sake of the children. We now realise that when parents in a toxic relationship stay together, their children can be traumatised and emotionally damaged. However it’s also unrealistic to expect children to witness the divorce of their parents and emerge completely unscathed. In fact, new evidence shows that when a child’s parents divorce, that child is likely to experience emotional problems well into adulthood as a direct result of the divorce. This month we thought we’d look at how divorce affects children both in the short and long term. We’ll also look at ways to reduce the trauma associated with divorce.
Divorce is a very traumatic and emotional time for everyone. The divorcing couple tend to focus on each other and also inwards towards their own needs. For a long time they have functioned as half of a couple and the end of the relationship means both people need to learn to think and plan as individuals again. Adults are not superhuman and are bound to feel emotionally depleted. When you’re struggling to keep your head above water, looking to the needs of your children becomes a real strain but as a parent, you can’t afford to fail in this area. It is important to find a supportive network as well as having family and friends to be there for you.
How divorce affects children
Kids are sensitive and often much more aware than grownups give them credit for. They know if something is wrong between their parents, even if they don’t understand what it is and chances are they’ve been sad and hurting long before divorce was ever mentioned.
No matter how amicable the split, children are likely to experience a range of feelings when their parents divorce. They may feel hurt, angry, confused, sad, scared, guilty, unloved or even responsible.
Listen to your child and pay attention to what they say but pay just as much attention to what they’re not saying. Children, especially young children, may lack the vocabulary to describe what they’re feeling so they show what they’re feeling in actions like tantrums and running away instead.
The long term affects of divorce on children
Your parent’s relationship impacts heavily on you whether you like it or not. You learn how to interact with the opposite sex by observing your parents and their relationship with each other, as well as their relationship with you. As adults, children of divorced parents sometimes have a low self-esteem which may lead to becoming involved in an unhealthy relationship. Their unresolved issues may manifest in a commitment phobia or alternatively, a desperate neediness to be in a relationship. The pattern of the parental relationship, whether it be abuse, anger issues or infidelity is likely to repeat itself within the child’s adult relationships.
Here are some things to consider if you think your marriage is headed for divorce.
Ask for Help
- It’s a good idea to get relationship counselling before you file for divorce. A counsellor can teach you both techniques that may help you communicate better and to look at the situation from your partner’s point of view. You never know- you might find you don’t need to sign those divorce papers after all!
Don’t think divorce will solve all your problems
- Getting a divorce is not necessarily the answer in ending conflict between you and your spouse. If you have children together your main priority will be the children, therefore communication with your spouse is imperative.
- Gone are the days when the mother was automatically awarded custody of the children; the courts now lean towards equal shared custody between both parents wherever possible.
Be fair and considerate to your children
- Don’t put your children in the middle or use them as ammunition against your spouse.
- Don’t use your children as a sounding board for your frustration against your spouse. Always speak politely and calmly about your spouse in front of your children.
- Don’t expect your child to be your carer or counsellor no matter how unhappy or hurt you are.
Divorce is never easy and nor should it be, for marriage should only be entered into with much consideration and solemnity but there are ways to minimise its impact on children. If you’re going through a divorce, talk to a counsellor or even book an appointment for your child to see a counsellor. There is a variety of ways to improve communication and to lessen the hurt for everyone involved.
Some interesting sites
A book to read
Joselow, B. & Joselow, T., 1996, When Divorce Hits Home, Avon Books, New York.
Office hours are from 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday. After hours and Saturday appointments are available on request.
Until next time then...
" Children without fathers, or whose parents float in and out of their lives after divorce, are the most precarious little boats in the most turbulent seas. " - Hillary R. Clinton, It Takes a Village, p.40