eNEWSLETTER
August 2005
Our Mission Statement:
"Providing a range of innovative professional services, empowering our clients to positively address issues affecting their lives."
Welcome to the August edition of the CCS eNewsletter.
If any of you have seen the Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie film Mr and Mrs Smith you’ll know that it’s about a man and woman who experience a rekindling of passion and excitement in their stale, unhappy marriage when they discover they are both assassins and have been hired to eliminate each other. The opening scene introduces us to the couple in a counselling office when they inform their counsellor that everything is fine and they’re just there for a “tune up”. It’s a scene we’re very familiar with here at CCS because we regularly see couples who come in for a “tune up” only to discover the rust has set in, the battery is flat, the starter motor needs replacing and the engine needs a complete overhaul. Sometimes, when a couple realises just how much work is needed to get their marriage roadworthy again, they decide to leave it at the wreckers and walk away. However, just like Mr and Mrs Smith, it is usually possible to get a marriage purring like a kitten again and it doesn’t even require the couple almost killing each other in the process!
When a couple first marries they are more forgiving of their partner’s little foibles and can think of nothing more wonderful than being together every day. Then, like water on stone, as the couple begin to forgive each other less and expect more, the excitement and joy they felt in the beginning of their relationship begins to erode. He stops bringing her flowers, she swaps her sexy lace knickers for her comfortable undies and pretty soon he’s noticing other women, she’s flirting with other men and they both begin to wonder if “till death do us part” was really as romantic as it sounded.
So how does one prevent one’s marriage from becoming a poor rendition of Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond’s “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers”?
Allow Room for Change
Think back 10 years and try to remember what you believed and wanted then. Have you changed? For a marriage to be successful both partners need to be given the freedom to grow, develop and change. It’s unreasonable to expect that the person you married will stay the same for the rest of his/her life.
Assertive Communication is the Key!
We often expect too much of our partner and when he/she fails to live up to our expectations we get angry or question if they really love us. Have you ever said, “She should know by now” or “He knows how I feel about that; he obviously just doesn’t love me”? When you’ve been married for a long time it’s tempting to assume that you already know what your partner thinks, feels and wants and that she/he knows what you think, feel and want too. This misconception is a common cause of problems in a relationship. Never treat your partner like a comfortable piece of furniture. Assertively communicate what you think and feel, listen to what they say carefully and don’t expect more of them than they are able to give.
It's OK to be Different
When two adults from different backgrounds live together in a mutually equal relationship they are bound to disagree on some things. Arguments are not necessarily an indication that a couple is incompatible but nobody likes to argue constantly; especially if they get hurt in the process. A pattern tends to develop when a couple has a history of arguing with each other regularly and sometimes it gets to the stage where it feels as though they’re just reacting and they don’t even know what they’re arguing about anymore. Patterns are learned and they can be unlearned. A counsellor can be particularly helpful in this situation because they are not emotionally involved and are more likely to see the pattern for what it is and suggest strategies to change it. That is why Clayfield Counselling Services has a team of Counsellors that know how to work through these issues.
Recharge the Battery
Last but not least, although the feeling of romantic love present at the beginning of a relationship always wanes, it doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship. “I love him but I’m not in love with him” is something we often hear at CCS but real intimacy is only achieved when a couple are able to love each other on a deeper, more mature level. Mature doesn’t have to be boring either! If both individuals are willing to make the effort, a happy and exciting marriage is not a difficult thing to achieve.
Some interesting links
- http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5009_qa.html
- http://www.quotationspage.com/subjects/marriage/
A Book to Enjoy
Jansen, D. And Newman, M. Really Relating - How to build an enduring relationship
Office hours are from 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday. After hours and Saturday appointments are available on request.
Until next time then...
" A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences." - Dave Meurer, "Daze of Our Wives"