eNEWSLETTER
November 2005
Our Mission Statement:
"Providing a range of innovative professional services, empowering our clients to positively address issues affecting their lives."
Welcome to the November edition of the CCS eNewsletter.
Think back to when you were a child. What did your parents tell you about yourself? Did they give you a label? Were you “the shy one” or “the outgoing one”? Were you “the tomboy”? Perhaps you were “a butter fingers” or “fraidycat”? Parents often label their children without thinking of the consequences but labels, whether positive or negative, can be stigmatizing and limiting right through childhood, adolescence and adulthood.
Kids learn about themselves and their world through the adults in their life. Parents, other adult family members and teachers may all have a great influence on a child’s self image and self-esteem. Labels are often negative, a kind of emotional abuse. A child may be told he’s “Just like his no good father” or she’s “useless and can’t do anything right”. Sometimes labels are technical; “Make sure you keep an eye on Johnny he’s got ADD” or “You’ll have to pay extra attention to Sarah, she’s learning impaired”. Seemingly positive labels such as, “Mike is the responsible one” or “Naomi is such a little mother” can also lock a child into a particular role they feel they have to play, placing unnecessary responsibility on their shoulders. Labels can also focus too much attention on a particular area, in turn deflecting attention away from other areas of importance. Telling a child, “You’re such a pretty girl” places the focus squarely on her image and if that’s not balanced by also praising her for her intelligence or skills and talents she is likely to grow up thinking her looks are all she’s got to offer.
Replace labels with positive affirmation
Instead of labelling a child, it is much better to encourage him or her with nurturing compliments such as,
“You’re being really nice to your friends”
“Wow you kicked that football really well, that’s great!”
“Thanks for doing such a great job at tidying your room today”
These positive affirmations encourage without limiting the child or putting emotional pressure on the child to be a certain way.
Mislabelling
A real danger with labels is that they are often a reflection of cultural bias and social trends. For example, in his book Wild at Heart, John Eldredge points out how American boys are more likely to be treated for ADD with prescribed tranquilisers. “As Lionel Tiger reports in his book The Decline of Males, boys are three to four times more likely than girls to be diagnosed as suffering from attention deficit disorder (ADD). But maybe they’re not sick; maybe, as Tiger says, “This may simply mean they enjoy large-muscle movements and assertive actions… Boys as a group appear to prefer relatively boisterous and mobile activities to the sedate and physically restricted behaviour that school system reward and to which girls seem to be more inclined.” (Eldredge, J. 2001, p. 81, Wild at Heart)
In the past, women who didn’t fit the accepted mould of the time and homosexuals were often diagnosed with a mental disorder and institutionalised. It isn’t only children that can be mislabelled.
Labels, Self esteem and Adults
When a child is labelled, he or she is likely to grow up with self-esteem problems. Many adults are affected by what they were told about themselves as children. The little critical voice we hear reminds us, “you can never do anything right” or “you’re so stupid”. It can be a tough habit to break but with the help of a counsellor we can rewrite our inner scripts and live a more confident life. So if the label you were given as a child isn’t serving you well perhaps it’s time to sever it once and for all and begin to describe yourself as you truly are.
A book to read
H. Norman Wright & Gary J. Oliver, Ph.D. 1995, Raising Emotionally Healthy Kids, Victor Books, Illinois
Some interesting links
- http://www.raisingkids.co.uk/1_4/tod_htp02.asp
- http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/l/les_brown.html
- http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/emotion/self_esteem.html
Office hours are from 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday. After hours and Saturday appointments are available on request.
Until next time then...
"Other people’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality" - Les Brown