eNEWSLETTER
April 2007
Our Mission Statement:
"Providing a range of innovative professional services, empowering our clients to positively address issues affecting their lives."
Welcome to the April edition of Clayfield Counselling Services e-newsletter. You probably wouldn’t be surprised to learn that we tend to see more than our fair share of unhealthy relationships at CCS. What may surprise you though, is how many people choose to stay in a toxic relationship rather than leave. Now don’t get us wrong; we believe that many unhappy relationships can be worked on and not only saved but improved but we also believe that sometimes it is more beneficial for a relationship to end.
There are normally two types of personality that wind up in toxic relationships. The first kind tends to be a controller. This person (usually male but not always) has usually been raised to believe that weakness is unforgivable and that being wrong, feeling afraid or failing is weakness. Being controlling/abusive makes this person feel safe and strong. The other kind of personality is the victim or martyr. This person (usually female but not always) has learned that it is up to them to fix things and that what they want/need/think/feel is less important than pleasing other people.
Toxic Relationships
Before we discuss what makes people stay in toxic relationships, we must first understand what a toxic relationship is. Everyone is different and so, of course, is each relationship but when it comes to toxic relationships, the warning signs that something isn’t right are often very similar. It is normal for every relationship to go through its ups and downs but if one or both people are experiencing these symptoms more often than not, and the symptoms were not apparent before the relationship began, then it is likely the relationship is toxic.
Symptoms of a Toxic relationship
- Feeling Depressed
- Feeling Anxious
- Feeling Angry
- Feeling Trapped
- Feeling Hopeless
- Questioning your Sanity
- Frequent extreme arguments, which don’t seem to resolve anything
- Feeling frightened
- Not communicating
- Feeling invisible
- Losing all of your friends because of your relationship
- Violence
- Being told by your partner you are ugly, stupid, crazy, useless- to the point that you believe it
- Feeling ashamed
- No longer trusting yourself because your partner tells you that you can’t be trusted or that you’re going to make a mistake or do the wrong thing.
- One person is never wrong; it’s always the other person’s fault.
Reasons People Stay
You may be reading this newsletter and thinking to yourself, “Well they can leave if they want so they can only blame themselves”. It’s easy to observe an unhealthy relationship from the outside and judge the people in it but when you’re immersed in a toxic relationship it’s not so black and white.
Toxic relationships don’t normally begin toxic. At first everything seems fine; just like any other new relationship. Then little by little things start to go bad. It’s a bit like putting a frog in cold water and then turning up the heat until the frog boils to death. The frog doesn’t notice the temperature is rising and in toxic relationships, the victim becomes accustomed to the negative remarks and eventually begins to believe them and even take responsibility for them.
There are many reasons why people choose to stay. Some of these include;
- I deserve to be abused, it’s my fault
- I love him
- I need to stay for the children
- I’ll lose the children if I leave
- I’m lucky to have him, nobody else would love me
- God wants to change me and make me obedient
- If I put up with it, the Holy Spirit will change him
- He can’t help it, his parents were abusive
- I need him, I couldn’t survive without him
- There’s no one else
- I vowed for better or for worse
- He needs me
Involve a Third Party
Even if there is no physical violence, a toxic relationship can do a great deal of damage to both parties involved. If children are also involved they are likely to enter into similar relationships during their adulthood.
If you think your relationship may be toxic, seek help. One of the ways to end the cycle is to talk to a third party who isn’t emotionally involved with either person about what is happening in your relationship. We have several qualified counsellors at Clayfield Counselling Services who are experienced in assisting couples in toxic relationships make the changes they need to make.
Some Interesting Links
Office hours are from 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday. After hours and Saturday appointments are available on request.
Until next time then...
“Respect yourself and others will respect you”
- Confucius