eNEWSLETTER
June 2007
Our Mission Statement:
"Providing a range of innovative professional services, empowering our clients to positively address issues affecting their lives."
Welcome to the June edition of Clayfield Counselling Services e-newsletter. As promised, this month we’re taking a closer looking at controlling people.
Fear is behind the controlling person’s need to control; fear of failure, fear of things not turning out the way they want, fear of trusting someone else and not being in control. The controlling person seeks power over you because he/she feels powerless without it. Although control issues are commonly observed when couples come to us for counselling, it is possible to be affected by controlling people in other areas of your life including family (parents, siblings, children) and work (your boss or your colleagues) to name a few.
How the controller gains power
Controlling people gain control over other people in their life in many different ways:
- Physical violence
- Verbal abuse
- Passive aggressive behaviour
- Financial control
- Emotional blackmail and manipulation
- Stalking
- Road Rage
- Other forms of intimidation
Usually, the person who is being controlled holds the false belief that he/she is responsible for the controlling person’s behaviour. Often this is reinforced when the controlling person says, “I’m sorry I hit you but you just make me so angry” or “If you leave me I’ll kill myself” or “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but you know you’re too emotional and you wouldn’t have been able to deal with it”.
The controlling person usually seeks to assert control in subtle ways at first. Often he/she uses the other person’s deep seated insecurities as ammunition. A person with low self esteem is much more willing to believe that they are overly emotional, unreasonable, morally corrupt, prudish, perverted, stupid, useless, incapable of handling the finances, crazy, too demanding and so on. A person with a high self esteem is much more likely to refuse to be labelled in such a way.
Getting it Backwards
In her book, Controlling People, Patricia Evans describes controlling people as “Pretenders”. They pretend to know you better than you know yourself, effectively creating a pretend person in you that they then seek to connect with. When you do or say something that doesn’t fit with their pretend person, Pretenders become increasing oppressive. Evans explains, “When Pretenders connect backwards, anchor in someone, and then attempt to keep their Pretend Person alive and well and exactly as they want him or her to be, they attempt to control the individual in whom they’ve anchored.” For example you could say, “I feel we are not spending enough time together”. In a normal scenario the other person might reply, “I know we’ve been spending a lot of time apart lately, let’s make time to have dinner together tomorrow night.” However, the controlling person is likely to say something to the effect of, “No that’s not what the problem is; we spend plenty of time together, you’re just needy and can’t be alone”.
Never Wrong
It is rare for a controlling person to seek help from a counsellor. Usually the controlling person will come along for counselling to support the partner who comes to us seeking help for depression, anger, being overly emotional or too demanding and feeling like he/she is going crazy.
Controlling people tend to have a need to be right. They will go to great lengths to turn the tables on the other person if they think they are being accused of being wrong; even if they know they are wrong. This commonly results in the victim of the Pretender being screamed at, distracted and ultimately so bamboozled that he/she forgets how the argument began in the first place.
According to Evans,
- Perpetrators usually believe that their oppressive actions are necessary, even right. Their behaviour is actually the opposite: unnecessary and wrong.
- Generally, acts against others, that is, attempts to control others, eventually bring the perpetrators just the opposite of what they want.
- Acts against others originate with a distortion or lack of awareness. Perpetrators almost universally believe that they see clearly and are aware: the opposite of reality. (p17)
Our professional counsellors and psychologists are able to assist you in making the changes you need to improve your own emotional health and the dynamics of your relationship. If you think you have a need to control others or you think someone in your life is trying to control you why not give us a call on (07) 3862 6622?
An interesting book for you to read
- Controlling People, Patricia Evans, 2002 (Adams Media, Avon Massachusetts)
Office hours are from 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday. After hours and Saturday appointments are available on request.
Until next time then...
“God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.”
- Serenity Prayer, Rheinhold Niebuhr