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eNEWSLETTER
October 2007

Our Mission Statement:
"Providing a range of innovative professional services, empowering our clients to positively address issues affecting their lives."

Welcome to the October edition of Clayfield Counselling Services e-newsletter.  If you’ve been reading our newsletter for a while, you’ve probably heard about the inner child.  All of us have a combination of different inner selves which we’ve developed during our lifetime.  These selves are good at handling different situations.  It’s a bit like having a team of soldiers with different skills which we can call on when the need arises.  Some common roles for selves are; Rebel, Critical Parent, Nurturing Parent, Pusher, Pleaser and Perfectionist.  Some of the selves are ones we accept and are often quite proud of.  Other selves we reject and disown; if you’ve read our July newsletter about the shadow self, you’ll know that disowning a self doesn’t take away its power, rather it lends it strength.    

How many people are in your bed?

When a couple’s arguments escalate to a no holds barred war, it’s likely that the two people arguing are being influenced by one or several of their selves.  When the inner selves get involved, arguments tend to take on a life of their own! So when you stop to consider how many selves you and your partner may have, it makes the relationship look decidedly more complex doesn’t it? 

But before you head for Break Up city, stop for a moment and consider what it is about the other person that frustrates you.  It’s highly likely that whatever traits you don’t like about the other person are the exact ones that you have chosen to disown in yourself.

Bonding Patterns

Let’s look at an example of how the selves bond:

Jim is a rescuer and Arial is a damsel in distress. When they meet it seems like a match made in heaven because Arial needs Jim’s strength and in return she showers Jim in gratitude.  Jim is left feeling appreciated and successful.  However, things eventually take a nasty turn when Arial doesn’t need Jim so much and his help starts to feel like control.  Arial’s original gratitude turns to resentment and Jim is hurt by her lack of appreciation. 

Positive and Negative Bonding Patterns

POSITIVE NEGATIVE

Jim:
Rescuing super caretaking parent: "I just want to look after you and make you happy again. Just follow my advice and you'll  be OK"

Jim Hurt devastated child:
"How could you do this to me, after all I've done for you? Please don't leave me."

Arial:
Appreciative child:"Oh Jim, you are so good and kind to me. I will never be able to repay you for all you are doing to help me. Please tell me what to do."

Arial (several years later):
Critical  parent: "I'm tired of you trying to control me all the time. I don't need your help any longer. "

Adapted from John Nutting’s website http://www.growingaware.com.au/BONDING_CASES4.htm

Are you in a Bonding Pattern?

If you are in a negative bonding pattern with your partner you’ll probably be feeling pretty awful in the relationship now.  You’ll be aware of power struggles and control will probably be an issue.  If you’re trying to fix it and things aren’t improving but rather seem to be getting worse, don’t despair.  The reason your efforts to solve the problems in the relationship aren’t working is because the same selves that are trying to fix the problem are also the ones causing it.  Negative bonding patterns are extremely common but they are difficult to break.  Why not give us a call on (07) 3862 6622 and introduce your selves to one of our qualified counsellors?  You’ll be able to learn to give your inner child what it needs and those other selves will finally learn to trust you to take care of things. 

Some Interesting Links For You

 

Office hours are from 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday. After hours and Saturday appointments are available on request.

Until next time then...

“My parents had only one argument in forty-five years.
It lasted forty-five years.” 
- Cathy Ladman

 

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