eNEWSLETTER
March 2009
Our Mission Statement:
"Providing a range of innovative professional services, empowering our clients to positively address issues affecting their lives."
Our office hours are from 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday. After hours and Saturday appointments are available on request.
Relationship breakdowns
There are a number of ways that relationships breakdown and as we’ve highlighted in past issues of our newsletters these can include a lack of communication and a lack of romance. It is important to dig deeper and identify other issues that may affect relationships, one of the most common problems that can often occur is a lack of trust.
We either know ourselves or know someone who has been affected by a cheating partner, but what many people don’t realise is that some people choose adultery as a last resort; a way of coping with their own dissatisfaction within the relationship. The pain a person must feel to resort to such tactics when they’re in a committed relationship is something many people don’t consider. Everyone sees the cheated spouse as the victim, but in reality, a relationship is about equality and therefore the cheater can also be seen as a victim.
Why do spouses cheat?
There’s no one answer to this very important question, it can however be broken down into a number of categories. For instance consider the following situation.
A husband and wife have been married for 30 years they have three adult children who each have families of their own. One day the wife looks at her life and realises that she isn’t happy, she feels neglected and in need of loving tender care. She meets a man and he rekindles a spark in her life that she hasn’t felt in years and she subsequently has an affair. She feels so guilty that she has betrayed thirty years of marriage that she confesses to her husband what she has done. Her husband is understandably angry at first but after he’s had some time to process he realises that he too has been using work as a way of escaping his unhappiness.
Here we have a situation where there are two victims in the relationship, the wife and the husband who both have stories as old as time. The only thing that changes is the circumstances in which it occurs. This story highlighted the fact that communication and romance are an important aspect of any relationship that needs to be nurtured otherwise people lose touch with each other and begin to take different life direction.
Another situation, a husband and wife have been married 6 years, they have four children under the age of 5, the wife is a stay at home mother and the father works at an insurance company. When the husband comes home all his wife can do is tell him how he doesn’t spend enough time with the children, how he’s never around to help her out and how he doesn’t love her anymore. The husband reassures her each time that he loves her and the children and they mean the world to him and he tries to spend more time with the family. Initially all is good and then gradually when work becomes busier, the wife again starts on about how he isn’t a good husband and he isn’t a good father. The husband turns to a very good (female) friend of his for advice and begins to have feelings for this other woman, but he loves his wife so it doesn’t go beyond friendship. Eventually torn by guilt he tells his wife what has been happening and how he is feeling. The wife is devastated by his betrayal and loses all trust in him.
The situation is one that many couples are faced with the loss of faith and trust in a relationship. Many though still feel the love and want to rekindle their relationship but the key to this is accepting that there were two people at fault and that trust is something that takes some time to rebuild after a betrayal.
Each of these scenarios are different, but both illustrate the necessity to communicate, to be open and honest about how each person is feeling within the relationship.
There are a number of signs that you need to be aware of, some of which are outlined below.
- Living parallel lives
- Recurring arguments that are never resolved
- feelings of dissatisfaction and unhappiness
- feelings of neglect and loss of feeling i.e. one or both partner/s speak of no longer being in love
- an affair - becoming emotionally and/or sexually involved with a person outside the relationship
- increased fatigue and reduced ability to meet responsibilities at work
- Arguments over parenting.
What can you do?
Many hear the word “counselling” and some either see themselves as failures whereas others may resent having to accept they need help. But counselling can support you with your relationship problems or challenges. The counselling environment is a safe environment. The counsellor is respectful of the individual and the relationship and couples are supported when speaking with each other about sensitive and difficult things.
Until next time then...
“A successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day.” - André Maurois