eNEWSLETTER
August 2009
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Misconceptions of Parenting
How to effectively communicate with your teenager
We all experience this dilemma; most parents are able to communicate with their children when they are infants, toddlers and in primary school. But as a child enters High School; for many parents their children have transformed into a monster before your very own eyes. Many children become rebellious, uncommunicative, uncooperative and act as if your opinions are unimportant and irrelevant.
But what many parent don’t know is that the teenage years are when their children begin to become adults, it is a long and arduous journey from adolescence to adulthood. Whilst parents will always feel responsible for the wellbeing and safety of their children, no matter how old they are. Adolescence is about parents recognising their children are learning new skills that will serve them well in adulthood, skills such as becoming their own person, independence and learning to make their own decision. Irrelevant of whether they are right or wrong, children will hopefully learn a valuable lesson from these experiences. The most important thing to do in this situation is to keep the lines of communication open at all times.
General communication tips
Listen more than you speak – we are all have two ears and one mouth, this is to remind us to spend twice as much time listening than talking. Really listen to them; stop what you’re doing, look them in the eye and don’t interrupt, avoid angry or impatient body language (i.e. don’t roll your eyes).
Make time to spend together – Most teenagers will have a busy school schedule, friends and social activities. But you can make time for conversations with your children; whether it is at breakfast or dinner or perhaps on the way to soccer practice or school all of these provide the opportunities to talk with your teenager.
Privacy – sounds like a topic many parents would be familiar with but something as simple as knocking on the door before they enter will enable your child to feel in control of their environment to a small degree.
Keep up with their interests - sometimes parents will often feel alienated by their children and feel outdated with respect to some of their interests. Something simple like listening to the music they like or watching a television show they enjoy will often make teenagers feel that you’re listening to their needs and more open to their interests.
Be a loving parent but respect their need for independence – Celebrate their achievements, forgive their mistakes, listen to them when they have a problem and show an interest in how they plan to solve it. Positive affirmations are also useful something as simple as saying I love you will make a person feel included and special.
Remember to above all have fun – make time for leisure and laughter, feeling good helps build a good rapport.
It is important to appreciate that your adolescent may have a different world view, treat them as you would a friend and respect their opinions, they may have a well thought through opinions that differs from your, but respect that they are entitled to their own opinion, as you are.
One of the areas that most teenagers clash with parents is when a parent says they aren’t allowed to do something, most often without explaining why; For example in a conversation between a mother and her daughter
What do I say?
Daughter: Mum I want to wear make-up
Mother: No
Daughter: Why Not?
Mother: Because I said so and you’re too young, now go clean your room.
This is a perfect example of what a parent should not do instead take an alternative approach such as...
Daughter: Mum I want to wear make up
Mother: Why do you want to wear make up?
Daughter: Well, you know how there is a school dance next week; I just want to look pretty and fit in with my friends.
Mother: Would you only be wearing makeup to the dance?
Daughter: Yes, were not allowed to wear make up at school.
Mother: In that case, I can see where you are coming from, after school tomorrow we will head over to the shops and look at what’s available. I think something as simple as a light foundation and lip gloss would be good....
Sometimes listening to your children is one of the most effective ways to communicate, as it allows a child to open up with you. Stop and consider before you say no, perhaps your child is mature enough to accept more responsibility. Letting go is sometimes the best thing you can do for teenagers as they need to figure out who they are and what they will become.
References
Better health Channel; Parenting; communicating; Parenting - Coping with Stress; Anger – tips to resolve arguments; www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au
Quote of the Month
Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.
Anne Frank